Biutiful (2010)

Que es eso? Yo no se.

   TONS OF SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW 

    I don't even know where to begin with what the hell this is.  It was just 2 and a half hours of "whatisthisidonteven."  Not in a bad way, no...but not in an enchanting way, either. Let me just start by saying that Biutiful is a good film.  It's direction from Alejandro González Iñárritu was actually fantastic, as well as the performance from Javier Bardem. I can see where Bardem deserved the Oscar nomination. There was almost no problem to be seen with the way this film was done; it just had a random, weird, depressing story that could not be saved by the Justice League, Chuck Norris, or one of those Pokemon that speaks in full sentences. That's why I don't think it deserved an Oscar nomination for Best Foreign Film. It was just a collection of maudlin subplots. Don't believe me? Well, here we go.

   Bardem plays Uxbal, a caring father in Barcelona who can speak to the dead. Not that it really matters, since the film only explores that cute little talent of his once or twice. It's really quite irrelevant. He illegally finds work for immigrants (in other words, exploits them), trying to make end's meet, while the Chinese immigrants he capitalizes off of live in a sweatshop basement and spend their days sewing knockoff purses dealing with the abuse of their overlords. Did I mention the overlords are gay Asian businessmen whose romantic subplot serves no purpose in the film because it never develops? Yeah. There was a whole introduction into that romance, and then it turned into absolutely nothing. What is the purpose in creating a love interest for a seemingly useless secondary character if you are not going to follow through on it's development through the story or even give the audience any kind of backstory for it? You're just going to leave everything about these characters in suspension until you get to your 120 page mark. That's lazy writing, my friend. Lazy writing. Anyway, the overlords decide to use the immigrants for construction instead of sewing. They make this business decision as one of them smokes by the window in a blue Speedo. I kid you not.

    I'm sure you're saying "But there can't be any more random stories in this film, right?" Oh, it's only begun. We're introduced to Uxbal's wife, Maramba, a bipolar woman with a drug habit (that was never explained other than a reference to a relapse). She also walks on fat men while wearing nothing but a thong. Only in Europe. Anyway, Uxbal is separated from Maramba because her desire to "have fun" makes her a transient parent. She is selfish, irresponsible, and even abusive, but Uxbal constantly leaves the children, Ana and Mateo, in her care. The fun part where he realizes why that was a bad idea comes later. But before that, Uxbal is told that he has terminal prostate cancer, which has spread to his bones and his liver. I think that this is supposed to be the main plot in this gooey mess of a story. And yet, it still doesn't feel like there was enough focus on that, except for the many shots of him urinating blood and grimacing.

    But, wait! There's still more. Uxbal chases a black man getting arrested, who I assume is either one of his friends or one of the immigrants he helps, which results in him getting arrested. I don't know why he chased him. The point of that was never really explained. I just accepted it for what it was because I'll be damned if this movie has any rhyme or reason to it. Anyway, the black guy that we didn't even know gets deported, Uxbal asks his wife to watch the kids blah blah blah. MOST POINTLESS SEQUENCE I HAVE EVER SEEN. Why not just do a montage of him trying on hats while Cyndi Lauper songs play in the background? That would have been just as meaningful to the plot, but more fun to watch.

    It's still not over. Uxbal goes with his older brother (the fat guy being stomped on by his wife) to find out his dad, who he has never met, has died and they get his body shipped to Spain from Mexico. Yet another entirely pointless subplot.

    The last plot to be introduced is the basement of immigrants dying because Uxbal bought them cheap heaters that poisoned them. They later wash up on the beach, which is thoroughly disturbing and unnecessary.

    Speaking of disturbing and unnecessary, the Asian business men are found out for their unethical sweatshop, so Uxbal goes to a club where people have nipples painted on their posterior regions. I am not joking. It goes from Uxbal telling Maramba to leave with the kids because they've been found out, it's a few minutes of out-of-tune bass music then it's ass nipples out of nowhere. I think that will haunt my nightmares until the end of my days. Who even comes up with something that abominable? And who just springs something like that on the audience with no prior warning? SATAN.  Anyway, he has a pointless conversation with his brother in there. The only reason I say pointless is not because it doesn't have artistic value, it's just that it doesn't get the story anywhere. Or at least one of the stories.
    As a matter of fact, if there is any consistent element to this film, it's people pissing themselves. It could be turned into a lethal drinking game. I'm serious. Every time his kid wets the bed or he wets himself, take a shot. You will become so intoxicated that this movie will make perfect sense. And then you'll see a tunnel of light and all your dead pets rushing towards you. That's the kind of intensity this film produces.
    So remember me mentioning that Uxbal figures out that his bipolar, drug addict, prostitute wife is not an effective caretaker for the children? It all happens when he comes back from that disturbing club that will forever destroy my happy, child-like demeanor. He asked Maramba to take the kids on a vacation they had planned prior without him, because that's apparently the responsible thing to do in his universe. He comes back to find his child Mateo home alone with bruises on his face. His mother beat him and left him there because she believes he is verbally abusive. I've got to admit, this is one of the better quality sequences of the film. It propelled the story further, pushing the limits of Uxbal's sternness with Maramba's mania. He finally leaves her and takes the kids. I really wish the rest of the movie just stuck to Uxbal's struggle with his family. There was so much to work with, and so much was ignored.
    Uxbal takes the children back home, where Ige lives now. I don't know who that is either, but she was the deported guy's wife, so she must mean...something, even though we didn't know the deported guy that well.
    From there, the film tries to tie all the loose ends and make it complete in some way. I'm not even going to tell you about the ending. It's really not worth mentioning.
    Consensus? While the performances and cinematography are good, it does not change the fact that the story bashes out in a million directions. It's so soggy with emotion and artistry, nothing substantial is left. This is one of those movies that makes me question why I bother to watch movies at all. It's emotionally exhausting and far from entertaining. It's not even really that thought-provoking. It didn't make me concerned about human condition. It made me want to avoid Spain.
     Watch Biutiful if you're just looking for pure drama, and nothing else.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Written by a monkey hitting random keys on a typewriter given a  finite amount of time.

          It began in a manner synonymous of all of my other cinematic misadventures. Dad asked if I wanted to see a movie with the rest of the family (today's misfortune was Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides). I say, "Well, I didn't hear good things about that one." This is and always will be a mortal mistake which results in inevitable combat. In my family, this means that everyone else is armed with (figurative) swords forged in the Pits of Hell by Lucifer's anthropomorphic Beard of Flame, whilst I swat at them with the November 2007 issue of Cat Fancy. "You can't trust movie critics," they say, "If they're so great, then why don't they make their own movies? When was the last time you heard of a 'Leonard Maltin Film'?" Well, that's the difference between a critic and a director. A critic is a person who is supposed to be good at watching movies, and a director is a person who is supposed to be good at making movies. But that's beside the point. I resigned sooner than usual, hoping I would snark the pain away while watching this excuse for a summer blockbuster.
       This movie was practically destined for failure, at least in the quality department. The POTC franchise has proven to be box office dynamite, but it's no secret that quality control has slipped in all the sequels. The original was enjoyable, but the rest are simply expensive, overproduced marketing ploys for the audience to be sucked into what I call Disney's Swirling Torrent of Capitalism. Long story short, it's a malicious plot to accumulate enough profit from movies, television, Disneyland, merchandise, nuclear weaponry, etc., to thaw Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head on the surface of the sun so it can be shipped back to Earth to land in the Mojave Desert, spread a supervirus via Colorado River, and eventually command the collective will of humankind. But enough of that. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides was destined for failure because of the departure of two of the most intriguing characters in the franchise.
         That's right. Pirates has become a sinking ship because of the departure of Pintel and Ragetti, better known as the skinny guy with the glass eye and the fat guy who says "Ello, poppet." Their presence was not only greatly missed: it was sorely needed. Any attempt at comic relief in the already unsubstantial On Stranger Tides falls flatter than joke about dead puppies rotting in a volcano. I knew that I wasn't going to watch incredible actors perform with witty dialogue and an interesting plot (or any discernible plot, for that matter), so what I really needed was to watch a lanky man with rotting teeth chase his eyeball around in the brig while his troll friend growled in an incomprehensible British accent. But no. I didn't get that. The closest I got to that in the fourth installment of the Pirates series was watching the Spanish traipse about here and there in their goofy, stereotypical garb. And there was only 2 minutes or so of that. Oh, also Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom aren't in this movie. I didn't really notice since they're technically considered props in those movies anyway.
        In Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, there are more subplots than even it's overlong 137 minute running-time can handle. For those who are only interested in the A-story, the Spanish and the British are in a land version of the Space Race to find the Fountain of Youth, knowing that Jack Sparrow once had the map in his possession. Sparrow is later shanghaied by Blackbeard and his daughter Angelica, who are also interested in finding the Fountain. Sounds cool, right? Wrong. The whole plot bogged down by trite dialogue and meticulously choreographed swordplay. This works in the sense that you're so impossibly uninterested that you don't give a flying toaster what they do with the story, thus the plot can become either inconsistent or completely nonsensical. This is most effective when the screenwriter ignores this fact entirely and goes about business as usual, but whoever wrote the script for POTC: OST was either a megalomaniac or a sadist, because the dialogue reflects this terrible person's desperate need to bring method to their madness. For example, *SPOILERALERTSPOILERALERT* Jack Sparrow figures out that Angelica is Blackbeard's daughter, which is why she is first mate on the Queen Anne's Revenge. But then Angelica tells Jack that she really isn't Blackbeard's daughter, and the audience sniffs out a savory little twist in the story; something that says "Wow. Maybe somebody wanted to think this script through." But then Angelica tells Jack that she really is Blackbeard's daughter and there's a pathetic attempt at banter based on "You lied to me about lying to someone else? INCEPTION. That is really good filler for one of the sequences in this film! I wonder if anyone is going to remember that they paid $10 a ticket to come here...".
       When it's not being entirely ridiculous, On Stranger Tides is painfully predictable. The first act (and the beginning of the second) could easily be turned into a drinking game (for those 21 and older. Unless you're in Canada. Sorry, but I have to have all my legal bases covered.). Every time a tracker shot of a mysterious character's back is revealed to be someone you recognize wearing a different costume, take a shot. If a mysterious figure turns out to be a woman wearing a moustache, take a shot. Every time a rack shot is used and the item of focus is later used for either a gag or a voodoo ritual, take a shot. If that item happens to be a pastry that Sparrow eats as he escapes from a room, take a shot. After about 15 minutes, you will not be able to feel your own face, much less tie your shoes. Honestly, Disney, when I can predict a film down to the shot, your Swirling Torrent of Capitalism has gone counterclockwise. To add insult to injury, the film ends with the line "It's a pirate's life for me." Why not just end Scarface with the line "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta."? This is a movie, friend. It doesn't end like a 13-year-old girl's Facebook status. In fact, the only good line in the entire movie was when the Spanish guy shoots a patriotic Brit Indiana Jones style and then says, "Make note of that man's courage." LIKE A BOSS.
       The acting didn't induce as much retching as the writing did, but it still left much to be desired. Johnny Depp, who reprises his role as Jack Sparrow, doesn't even pretend to have any interest in acting at some point around the 60-minute mark. Penelope Cruz, playing Jack's old flame and Blackbeard's swashbuckling daughter Angelica, is basically there to look cute and speak in a Spanish accent. This is to be expected, as Kiera Knightley was basically there to look cute and speak in a British accent (although, Knightley did a much better job acting than Cruz did). A few more familiar (and uninteresting) faces were to be found, such as Barbossa and Gibbs. I say uninteresting because who goes to a Pirates movie dying to know what happened to Gibbs? Barbossa was a good character, but he's not the same adventurous, bandit-like pirate he was in past movies as he now works for the British crown. Why did they do that? One of the only interesting characters and they make him work for the most boring country on Earth. Don't argue with me. England has been scientifically proven to be incredibly boring. Ever had a scone? It's a cookie that got attacked by a vampire. Case and point.
        Blackbeard (Ian McShane) (yeah, I've never heard of him either) does a pretty good job given the script he has to work with, but I can't help but feel that he seems exhausted in certain parts of the film. Much like watching Norm from Cheers try and run laps. He's not like this through the whole movie, but there are many moments where he looks like he could use a good couch and a sleeve of Oreos. There are a couple of new characters, who are about as dimensional as a cardboard cut-out of Flo the Progressive Saleswoman. A young missionary aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge introduces himself by pointing his Bible at Blackbeard and going off on a salvation rant a la The Crucible. He later falls in love with a mermaid that he named "Serena" as if she was some sort of a dog that could just have tags slapped on it. I find it quite ironic that it's perfectly natural for a Christian man to fall in love with a mermaid, but if Barbossa and Gibbs started holding hands, it would've been abnormal. I mean, it would've been a little weird because it's out of left field, but they should have given us any reason to find Gibbs compelling at that point. He was getting way too much screen time for what he is--NOTHING. But back to the Charlie Church/Little Mermaid romance. It's much ado about nothing, really. I don't know why they bothered with this romantic subplot when they're already dealing with the overly-complicated Angelica/Jack romance. That relationship is all over the place. They were trying too hard and it just didn't work.
       So, if you have an IQ equal to that of Death Valley rainfall or you want to shave a few centuries off of purgatory, I highly recommend Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which I give 2 out of 5 horribly misplaced subplots.

30 Things I Must Avoid to Be Immortal (or Must Do to Be Awesome)

Rough draft. LOL.

     

        Hey there, y'all! Or you guys. Or amigos. I got around to thinking today and I realized that I can't live forever. Luckily, I have looked for a loophole that might just grant me immortality. I made a list of things that I must do before I die. If I don't finish all these things, I can't die. At least, I think that's how it goes. Also, I LOVE LOVE LOVE enumerated lists, as you will realize from looking at this blog for five seconds. Here goes nothing!

BUCKET LIST

1. Gator wrasslin'
2. Shave a polar bear
3. Get a jet pack
4. Establish government in Antarctica
5. Legally change my name to "Shaq Attack"
6. Have an argument with Tom Hanks about the plural form of "moose"
7. Get a pet amoeba named "Shaq Attack, Jr."
8. Key Tom Hanks's car
9. Rip out someone's weave in a SubWay parking lot
10. Meet someone with a weave
11. Overcome my fear of Muppets
12. Invent parking meters for houses and become obscenely wealthy
13. Swim in a pool of lava
14. Throw watermelons at people
15. Become the patron saint of Missouri
16. Erase the words "glean," "tawdry," and "eschew" from the dictionary. They are the most annoying words on this earth.
17. Throw darks at a picture of someone I want revenge against
18. Beat up the ShamWow guy
19. Become a fishwife
20. What's a fishwife?
21. Jump into a bullfighting ring and start yelling, "Come at me, bro!"
22. Get elected as the King of Spain
23. Build a house out of moose antlers
24. Loudly referee a game of chess
25. Hatch a platypus egg with my mind
26. Conquer Portugal (see #22)
27. Fall in love. Just kidding. I want the world's largest Oreo pizza. With 2 liters of Pepsi. In under 30 minutes. Or it's free.
28. Catch as salmon right out of the river with my bare hands
29. Go back in time and make George W. Bush be born in Cuba. And stay there.
30. Furiously knock things off a desk with one swipe and re-watch it in slow motion. While I'm dressed like Kanye West.

      Anyone else have a bucket list they wanna share?