Thanksgiving is for Jive Turkeys

Do you want seconds?

       Ahh It looks like the fourth Thursday of November is rearing its flabby, ugly head in America again. There are only three things you have to do in your pitiful existence on this earth: die, pay taxes, and pretend that you love Thanksgiving. God forbid you dislike seeing people and watching them eat food, right? Meanwhile, you're required to shovel it down like an animal or else be bombarded with snide comments from various relatives. Yup. Food and people: the fabric of Western culture.
       I don't mean to sound ungrateful about Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be grateful for (my awesome family and friends, awesome schooling, awesome house, awesome life). But I can't help but feel that we go about Thanksgiving the wrong way.
       Let me start with what makes Thanksgiving so darn famous. The food. People are so food obsessed. What's the big freakin' deal? It's food, people. They talk and talk for hours on end about turkey and stuffing and all the other aliments that feed us to our heart's content (and eventual undoing). In this food-obsessed culture, if you don't eat twice your body weight every day, you're automatically considered anorexic. Here's a medical lesson, everyone: anorexia is a serious problem. There are more serious warning signs of anorexia than someone refusing seconds. Every year, I hear, "Erin, you skinny thing, you need to get more X. You can't eat just Y! Don't be so ungrateful when you have all this food! Think of all the starving kids in Africa who would just love to eat this food!" Well, that doesn't make me want to eat more. It kind of makes me want to mail food. But I can't send stuffing via Gmail! And who sends letters anymore? How archaic! But the point is...why must we celebrate our excess every November when there's so many people in need? Food for thought...pun intended.
      Another thing that's socially (and somewhat food) related is the freakin' people. I barely like seeing people when I'm at school. Why would I force myself into a social situation if I don't need to? Every year, it's the same story. I show up. People say "hello" for five seconds. Then I end up sitting by myself playing GameBoy. I'm sixteen years old and I feel like I'm at a middle school dance *cue violins and avoid John Hughes movie reference*. No, but considering the tragedies in the world, it's really not that bad. What's really bad is when my dad comes up to me and tells me to go talk to everyone. Then, not only am I going to sit there with no one talking to me, but I have to listen to whatever their saying and don't get to play GameBoy. Another thing, I can't eat when I watch other people eating. It's just so...disgusting.
      Lastly, but certainly not leastly, we have the history behind Thanksgiving. Yeah, I know it's about pilgrims and Indians (or Native Americans) getting together to eat pumpkins or whatever. But after the party was over, the pilgrims killed the Native Americans with smallpox and guns, took their land, and then that lousy Bewitched movie came some time afterward. If anyone wants to argue with that, be my guest. All I know is that the Native Americans didn't just die and lose their land all by themselves. Anyway, it just doesn't seem like a real classy cause for celebration. Emily Post would not only disapprove of the way you folded those napkins, but what motivated you to fold them in the first place.
      On a serious note, check out the National Day of Mourning. Sorry it's the Wikipedia link, but I couldn't find an official website. It's a Native American protest of Thanksgiving.
      Thanksgiving must be exposed for how disgusting it really is. Especially if you have a social phobia, social conscience, and don't like stuffing your face. Or don't like hearing jokes about how fat people are going to get after Thanksgiving. Ha-freakin-ha. People should go on the road with that stuff. "Oh my these rolls are gonna go straight to my thighs!" *room bursts with screeching laughter* Really? And I get nothing for my MacGyver impersonation? (Trust me, it was hilarious.)
       So, my only allies, raise a glass and give a hand to the one day out of the year that we could really do without because it's such a pain. Give thanks to Thanksgiving, America's Annual Appendicitis Outbreak.

A Moment of Silence for Unsaved Posts...(and Wizards)

Ugh. Whatever happened to the Hogwarts robes?

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS A REALLY LONG RANT ABOUT HOW I FORGOT TO SAVE MY WORK. IF YOU WANTED TO READ SOMETHING OF SUBSTANCE, SKIP TO THE PARAGRAPH THAT BEGINS WITH THE "@" SYMBOL.

      Good evening, my children of the night. So, I had an epic (AND I MEAN EPIC) blog post about Harry Potter. It took me two hours and it included the following:

1. Stories from my childhood
2. A few Nadsat words
3. An enumerated list (only the last list had BIG LETTERS LIKE THIS)

      The autosave wasn't working so I thought, "I better finish this thing and post it instead of trying to save it and figure out it doesn't work." Well, an error occurred when I tried to post it, so I hit the back button. All my beautiful work was still there, pristine and untouched. I decided to highlight it, copy it, and save it to a Word Document lest Blogspot make a second error in my attempt to post. Well, after I highlighted all my work, something possessed me to try and use the CTRL + C function to copy it. No problem, right? Well, my pinky slipped on a metaphorical banana peel and then I hit the delete button. Long story short, there were tears, there was screaming, there was substandard frozen pizza. But after the tears dried, the conniption fit ceased, and I found out the the pizza was only four bucks, I began to feel better.
     @ There you go. End of unsaved rant. Now on to more important matters. I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows today. Let me start off by stating my issues with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, a dreadful and boring film (with an enumerated list!):

1. ROMANCE. I hate romantic movies. I don't go to romantic movies. If I hear someone so much as mention The Notebook, Titanic, or A Walk to Remember, I char what's left of their brains by breathing fire through my snarling teeth. I went to a fantasy adventure film based on a kid's book and what did I get? Awkward teenagers bumbling about, breathing heavily for a few seconds, arguing about "snogging" (whatever the hell that is), and staring at each other until one of them says "WHOOPS. I gotta go to class" or whatever. It's stupid. It's boring. Why would I go to a wizard movie if I wanted to see an indie Canadian romantic comedy? (Doesn't make much sense now, but if you compare those babies to this thing...)
2. WHERE'S THE MAGIC? They were so busy doing the stupid romantic tripe that they forgot to do any magic aside from the obligatory Harry-Voldemort wand connection deal near the end.
3. WHERE'S McGONAGALL? She only stopped in once or twice to say "GET BACK TO YOUR HOUSES".
4. WHERE'S NEVILLE? C'mon.
5. WHY WAS I SO HAPPY DUMBLEDORE DIED? Dear Michael Gambon: Don't get me wrong. You were good in Angels in America. You're just a lousy Dumbledore. I'm sorry. Dumbledore isn't zany. He wouldn't have grabbed Harry by the collar just because he put his name in the Goblet of Fire. You do realize that Dumbledore is old, right? Sincerely, Tom Selleck's Mustache. (That's how I sign all my letters.)
6. Boring. So boring, in fact, I won't even bother to put it in all caps or italics.

    Okay, so those were my thoughts on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Now for Part 1 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.
     I actually don't have many thoughts on this film. It was very well done, but the writing was kind of lacking, and there were too many shots of people looking off into the distance.
     Sorry if that was disappointing. It just didn't evoke many feelings in me, good or bad. I kind of miss Chris Columbus days of the franchise to be quite honest.
      Okay, so there's the enumerated list. Now all I need is a Nadsat word...litso meaning "face."
      Got that out of the way. Now for a childhood story, and we'll be all set...
      Okay, so this one time I was at Chuck E. Cheese. I ran out of tokens, so I decided to kick the guy in the mouse costume in the shins. He didn't mind the first few times I did it, but after a while, he finally snapped and chased me around the restaurant. I hid under the air hockey table and he dragged me out by the ankle. I said, "YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS, CLOWN?!" He gave me a lecture on why I shouldn't hit people. Worst. Christmas. Ever.
       Alright, so that's Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part One in a theater near you. This post isn't as good as the one I originally wrote, and again, sorry for my lack of computer skills with the CTRL button.
       Until then, I'll see you on the radio.

Ludicrous Holiday of November 19th

Oh, how I wish it was.

Hey people of the world! Today is a very important day. It only comes 365 days a year. C'mon, guess what holiday I'm thinking of.
No, I'm not thinking of Thursday.
No, I'm not thinking of Flag day in Brazil.
Give up?
International Men's Day. *rolls eyes*
I know what you're thinking. I'm just being a cynical feminist.  Hear me out, I'm not a misandrist. I honestly hope for gender equality, not female superiority. I look at the person, not the gender.
That being said, is an International Men's Day really necessary? Yes, I have read the article and one of its purpose is to celebrate the achievements of men, not only in culture but in everyday society. I'm perfectly fine with this...except it seems to happen every day. Honestly, think of a time when a person's achievements were ignored simply for the fact that they were male. Exactly.
Part of the argument for IMD is that it sets a gender balance, being a counterpart for International Women's Day (March 8). Fair enough. However, do you think anyone would ever try to pull the stunt of making a White History Month? No, because it's obviously every month of the year.
I'm not saying that IMD shouldn't exist or that its intentions are malevolent. I actually like some of the aspects of it, such as a focus on men's health and working towards gender equality. But if we're truly working towards what really matters in this world, shouldn't that be done every day of the year?
I don't know. I don't like the barrier between genders set up by our cyclically traditional society. No matter how much social progress is supposedly made, there's always another barrier to go up in place of the old one. And I'm not just talking about the stripper outfits in place of painfully long dresses. I'm talking about prejudices that go on in our everyday lives against constantly discriminated groups, for example(s), women, homosexuals, non-Caucasian persons, Muslims. Ridiculous things go on in our world, like women being put to death for being raped. Young kids being killed just because of their sexuality. People not being able to live their lives in the fullest because of a stereotype set up for them (sometimes being killed). People not being able to worship without fear in a country that promises that freedom because they are supposedly "terrorists."
When we consider all these things, maybe we shouldn't have Men's day or Women's day. Maybe just a "Chuck Selfish Pride Out the Window Let People Just Live As They Are" Day.
Run it 24/7/365 (366 in leap years), and then we won't need awareness. Just water and a little bit of sleep.

Basil Marceaux "Dot Com" for Governor of Tennessee

I weep for the future no more, for there is a truly inspired politician in our midst. No, he doesn't sit in an oval office, but rather a picnic table by a Little Cesar's near you! He's Basil Marceaux, a Republican candidate for Tennessee Governor. He's been mocked on such popular programs as The Soup and The Colbert Report. Quite honestly, I don't understand why. He's an articulate, strapping young man who stands for worker's rights. Take this excerpt from his website:
"See why dental is not in most plans a tooth aches hurt more than a back aches and no teeths depresses people"
Well said. No teeths does depresses people (which is precisely why Marceaux looks so somber in his promo on WSMV news):
Basil Marceaux: Tennessee's Hope

My homeboy.

Check out his website! It's named after him: Basil Marceaux(dotcom)
I would love for Mr. Marceaux to win. I feel confident in a man with "13 3/4 years" of education and takes a stand against "School violents". His stance on education is right on. "Education ,let us put phonics back in school if you can not read you can not do History, Math, English." You also can't run for governor if you can't read.
Vote for Basil! He knows "WHAT IMPORTANT"!

Friskies "Adventureland" (Envy. Ohhhh, such envy.)

The first time I saw this commercial, I felt somewhat perplexed. I watched as this cat sojourned through the various worlds of Friskies Adventureland, with its wide open pastures, uncompromising sunshine, and dancing poultry. The drum circle near the end was a tear-jerker.

I hope to one day live in a land such as this. It shall not be wasted on felines!

Stupid lucky animated cat.

Link to the vid (AKA: Portal to a land of unparalleled wonder): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q4JLsNtDsM

Top 5 Most Overrated Movies of the 2000s (HONEST TO BLOG!)

Hello, kiddies! So, for my first legit post, I would like to complain about all the over-rated movies in our lives. So much buzz, so little heart. Shall we get started?


5. Juno (2007)

This is the one where Michael Cera is an awkward boy trying to impress a pretty girl.

This indie favorite slides into the fifth spot of most over-rated movies I've ever seen because of all the buzz about its wit and "reality". Allow me to rant about both simultaneously. This movie was devised by the not-so-lovely Diablo Cody, a so-called "feminist" *shudder* *twitch* *cry for the former generations that risked everything for women's rights just to have a former stripper award themselves a spot in the same bracket*. That aside, the writing, while unique, just doesn't flow naturally. Wit is one thing, but when EVERYONE in your movie has a quippy remark to EVERYTHING, it's really enough and I'm not impressed. I can't take two hours of people talking like that. It's enough to convince me that all inhabitants midwestern suburban towns are only allowed to speak to each other if it sounds like something I would hear off of a bumper sticker on the back of a shaky '90s Honda. Ask yourselves, people: What kind of convenience store clerk would say, "Your eggo is preggo"? If your best friend in high school told you she was pregnant, would you say, "Really? Honest to blog?" I would have to punch myself if such things passed my lips. Another thing that bothers me about this movie is the anachronisms. How can one's friends say such things as "honest to blog" and then you turn around (while in labor, mind you) and scream at the top of your lungs "THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOO!" No. Thundercats were go in 1985, about 5 or so years before you were born. They aren't go 22 years later. And if you saw a rerun of it or something when you were 6, why would you reference it when you are about to have your child? If I were Juno's father, I wouldn't drive her to the hospital, I would go upstairs and say, "Thundercats aren't go, honey. You're too freaking annoying to reproduce and we will have to deprogram the child to forget everything that it may have heard you say in the womb so that the world will never have to suffer such annoyances again." And I would NOT say that via hamburger phone, either. Sorry, Juno. It started with a chair, and it ended with my loathing of indie flicks until the end of time.

Lesson I learned from Juno: Don't get pregnant. It may result in nausea and excessive punk rock references.



*Note: Juno was #54 in Entertainment Weekly's Top 100 Characters of the Past 20 Years. The Bride (Beatrix Kiddo) from Kill Bill was #99. On an unrelated topic, Americans are suspected of using only two of their brain cells over the past 20 years. (Don't argue with this until Justin Bieber is taken off the radio.)

4. Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Livestock was never so terrifying.

This horror flick directed by Sam Raimi slowly crawls its way into number four because of the world's ability to ignore how much it really sucks. I know the word "suck" is tossed around a lot these days, but it's movies like this that make it possible for me to use. What really frosts my cookies about the good hype that surrounded this movie was that the premist was really interesting, while the film was laughable. But don't misunderstand my meaning in using the word "laughable". I understand the cartoonish, slap-stick Raimi fashion of filmmaking. I didn't watch this to get scared, really (although a few jolts of terror here and there would've been nice). I watched it to, well, watch a good movie. That, my friends, I did not get. First of all, I hate every protagonist they put in there, particularly the main character. I cried with joy every time she got barfed on, thrown around, hit, *SPOILER ALERT! READ NO FURTHER IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE!* and, finally, dragged into the fiery bowels of the underworld. That's how much I hated her. What bothers me most is that one of the things in the movie that is supposed to have the audience sympathize with poor Christine is that--oh me, oh my--she used to be fat. Is that your only endearing quality? You were overweight? Other than that, she's pretty much your generic horror voodoo doll. Her boyfriend was one of the more forgettable characters I've seen in my lifetime. Was he...a bumbling idiot? I can't remember, but I think that's right. Okay, so we've flipped through the lousy protagonists. Now we move on to the antagonist: a gypsy that tries to get a loan! No, I'm not lying! A gypsy (with a cool gypsy name, Sylvia Ganush) was denied a loan by Christine, our loveable leading lady. How does she cope with such a thing? She curses a button! This sends Christine on a one-way trip to Hades...but not before she barfs on her. Real mature, Sylvia. Real mature. Leave the fat kid alone, mmkay? BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Quite possibly my favorite part of the whole movie, Christine gets called a bitch. By a goat. A demon goat. Oh, sweet Georgia Brown! Everyone run for the hills! A goat just called someone a bitch! Now, in all honesty, this movie wouldn't have bothered me so much if its lousiness wasn't so largely ignored.

Lesson I learned from Drag Me to Hell: Only deny loans to gypsies with zippers, because those are harder to curse. And if they somehow find a way to curse it, acquire a goat. Even if it calls you crude names.


3. Knocked Up (2007)

Being pudgy does NOT automatically qualify you as funny.

It's ridiculous! It's raunchy! It's...sexist...*crickets*. I didn't have to watch much of this risque dude-oriented romcom to, as Llewellyn Sinclair would say, send the bile to the tip of my throat. "Oh, it's okay to get a chick pregnant. She IS drunk, afterall. Women are stupid like that, so it's no big deal. I can also disrespect her and treat her like a dog (he mentions wanting to do that in the film) because it doesn't matter if I'm a loser because I'm a man and I like to speak in run-on sentences." See how vile it is? It's not even grammatically correct. Sickness! I won't be a total downer, though, because this movie did have some funny stuff. If this movie could tone down the sexism from a 9.5 to maybe a 6 (hey, nothing's perfect) then it would be okay. But since it couldn't, I wish that the rest of the world could've turned down the anticipation and hype. Then I would've been fine.
Lesson I learned from Knocked Up: Don't get pregnant. It may result in nausea, sexist comments from male peers, and (excessive punk rock references? wha--?).


2. Paranormal Activity (2007) (Geez! How did I live through 2007? What an overrated year!)

This ghost OBVIOUSLY works for the picture frame industry.

Okay, let's run back over to the horror genre. Paranormal Activity is unlike other horror movies, being made in that irritating Blair Witch Project fashion that, yet again, sends the bile to the tip of my throat. The shaky cinematography is enough to make me have a seizure of triceratops-esque proportions. That didn't make sense. Bear with me. All of the issues start with (surprise) the protagonists. Katie is a woman who is being haunted by a stalker ghost that has a penchant for ruining their pictures. While this is all well and good, I have an issue with her constant whining. She lives with her boyfriend, Micah, who, though an imbecile, makes an honest effort to help Katie deal with her poltergeist. That being said, when his efforts fail to appease her, Katie tries to whine her way out of it. I think half of the dialogue in that whole movie is "MICAAAHHH". Spelled just like that, too. Anyway, whatever this demon-ghost-whatchamacallit is, I wanted it to eat Katie. *SPOILER ALERT* This demon did not accomplish its mission, therefore, I am disappointed in it. Instead, it somehow possessed Katie to kill Micah. And, in the alternate ending (the one that I like the most) Katie kills Micah and then herself. I like this ending the most because it rids the world of two irritating characters with little personality. Sadly, the less irritating of these characters perished and there is rumored to be a Paranormal Activity 2 in the works. I will not be seeing it unless a gypsy curses a button that condemns me to do so.

Another funny little thing about this movie...IT WASN'T SCARY. I am not afraid of the Scrapbook Monster that smashes my photo frames and burns the corners of my old childhood memories. I am more afraid of Richard Simmons. I heard that this movie was terrifying if you watch it "under the right conditions". So do I have to wear a special sweater and spin around 3 times in a fuscia-colored room for this to be scary? If that's the case, then it doesn't belong in the horror genre.

Lesson I learned from Paranormal Activity: If being haunted by ghosts, save all pictures on a memory card and yell at your immature boyfriend who, despite his low IQ, is trying to help.


1. Avatar (2009)

LOOK AT ME, NERDS! BOW DOWN TO MY HANDSOME FACE!

Finally, possibly my most controversial pick for my overrated movie list, is James Cameron's Avatar. Don't get me wrong! When I first saw this movie in theaters, I thought it lived up to every bit of the hype. The visual effects are, without a doubt, fantastic. That being said, a lot of the movie is lackluster in comparison. The acting and the writing are mediocre at best. I thought that if I could be impressed with ANY actors in this movie, it would be Sigourney Weaver. But, alas, her portrayal of a cigarette-huffing scientist did not win me over. In fact, there was an issue with many of the characters in this movie. There were two character types, really: 1) the badasses and 2) the earth-lovers. Sometimes there was a combination between the two. One of the fans' favorite characters, Trudy Chacon (chick in the helicopter), was particularly one-dimensional. When she was flying some of the other characters through the famed "Floating Mountains of Pandora", she decided to speak the inevitible "You should see the look on your faces." She's the worst tour guide I've ever witnessed. Don't question me because even you Na'vi maniacs have to admit that, at best, her character was just the worst tour guide ever. Sadly, I also hated the main character, Jake Sully. He wasn't a very strong character (emotionally) because he seemed to be easily swayed by what people tell him. To me, he seemed to be the world's oldest third grader. Here's his step-by-step emotional metamorphosis:
1) "My brother's dead, now I have to go on his stupid spaceship adventure."
2) "I'd better listen to this Colonel guy. He reminds me of all the army guys I met in the marines." (Army guys don't work in the Marines, loser. I don't even care if you didn't say that.)
3) "I like being a blue cat person who's 7 feet tall." (Okay, I actually agree with this.)
4) "This hot native chick saved me from a space tiger! I'd better follow her and listen to her now."
5) "We're being so mean to the cat people. I want to make them and Sigourney Weaver happy."
Aside from the obvious tragedy that he has suffered through (losing his brother, losing the ability to walk), Jake doesn't have much depth. He's not even the toughest person there! He lost out to Sigourney Weaver and the horrible tour guide! I hardly believe that it would be possible for him to train that giant red dragon thing that the Na'vi are so impressed by (don't make me look up what it's called). The writing is also something that I take issue with. In order to make the characters sound tougher (something we so often crave, right?), the s-word is used quite often. "Pandora will eat you whole and s!@# you out." "I didn't sign up for this s!@#!" Yeah! I signed up for the other s!@#! Where do I sign up for that s!@# that isn't so greedy? While Avatar was entertaining, it was hardly Cameron's best directing, Weaver's best acting, or anyone's best writing. At best, Avatar is Dancing with Wolves gone postal. Sorry, Avatar, but you are NOT worth all this hype.
Lesson I learned from Avatar: When it comes to signing up for s!@#, make sure you listen to the blue cat people and not the sassy tour guide.
I hope you enjoyed my list of my Honest to Blog Mover Overrated movies of the 2000s! Expect more to come! :)

Greetings

It is very nice to start a blog here. For those of you who are new here, my name is Erin and I will be reviewing movies and music, but ALSO complaining about how crazy life is. So pull up a chair, boys and girls. Let the bedlam begin!

All hail Inglip!