Why I Hate Theatre Kids

I don't even know what show this is. I think if I find out, it will only make me angrier.

      Hola, my friendos! It's been a while. I'm at the old homestead, resting up after a bout of illness. I don't know what it is, but my throat randomly got sore, I started vomiting every time I felt like falling asleep, and my neck hurts now. According to the interwebs, it could be anything from a flu bug to the Bubonic plague. As much as I love the interwebs and regard them as the source of all knowledge, I can't trust it to give a reliable diagnosis. Oh well. Life goes on (hopefully).

      So all this laying around the house gave me some time to become reacquainted with my old buddy: daytime television. After a while, though, I remembered how depressing it is to watch Suzanne Somers try to sell me a girdle for what seems like eternity and to hear "A NEW CARRRRR!" echo like a battle cry in the CBS studio set of The Price is Right. At wits end, I switched it to CNN.

      Apparently, there has not been not one, not two, but four injuries on the Broadway set of Spider-Man:Turn Off the Dark. This got me thinking until I had an epiphany...

Theater sickens me.

       Yes, much to the despair of the two people who read this blog (undoubtedly theater geeks) I find that theater is quite possibly the most annoying thing ever invented. And yes, that includes Furby. As much as I hate those nasty little chirp monsters, I'll deal with it any day before I pay $60 too many to sit next to some turgid, pretentious jerk who uses words like "harlequin" to describe "dude in tights." And then you get scooted off the premises after the 1st act of Jersey Boys for sneaking in a Slurpee and then spilling it all over the people in the "Grand Circle". Well, pardon me. There's no freakin' cup holders. And for that ticket price, you know you can damn well afford to Scotch Guard that carpet.

       There's a good reason that I prefer film over theatre: subtlety. Theatre is, by it's very nature, obnoxious. I mean, look at the titles of musicals. Almost all of them have exclamation points at the end of their titles (Oklahoma!, Repo!, Oliver!, Snoopy!!!, Swing!, Carnival!, etc!!!!!) And it's not about acting or half-way decent writing with these people. It's about screaming the moral of the story at the top of their nicotine-laden lungs.

       I hate Rent. I honestly do. I think that thing was written by a straight guy who wanted to impress all his gay friends so that other straight people will impress their gay friends. I don't know a single gay person who likes that musical. Either way, Rent is about as pleasant as watching a badger drown in nacho cheese. And it's not just because all the characters have AIDS. Honestly, after having to deal with how obnoxious they are, I wasn't the least bit sad about that. That's a pretty amateur way to garner sympathy from your audience. Your audience should want to feel sympathy for your characters, not have it shoved down their throats. A way better play about AIDS is Angels in America. The dialogue is brilliant and the storytelling is 3000000 times better than that of Rent. Only 2 characters had AIDS in that play. I was able to genuinely love all nine of the main characters. Maybe it's because they were *gasp* realistic characters who had a little something called depth. As far as depth goes, the Rent characters are about as interesting as that guy you inevitably work with who weeps tears of joy at the utterance of the phrase "team-building exercise." The characters of Rent spend half their time going like, "Woe is me! I'm so poor and hungry!" when most of the junk gathering dust in their NYC apartments would be considered pretty bankable on eBay. I don't feel the least bit sorry for them. So what if you're a "tortured artist"? If you're intelligent enough to alphabetize the Blockbuster inventory, then there's no reason for anyone to feel sorry for you. God forbid that you actually work for a living, stupid hipsters.

       But the most upsetting part about the theater (or "theatre") is not the art itself, but the people so unapologetically obsessed with it. These people range from my dearest friends to my arch enemies. These people insist on sitting down with me to have a "sing-a-long" and berate me when I don't know the lyrics to  "La Vie Bohème." "And you call yourself a theatre geek?!" they say. I never said that. I just work on the tech crew because it's the only extracurricular activity where I can sleep without getting kicked out. Beat that, track team!

       I'll admit, there are isolated incidents in which theatre is tolerable. The Crucible is incredible. Take note, playwrights, that was actually well written, as a result of Mr. Miller actually putting thought into his play. Spamalot is legit, but anything Monty Python touches automatically turns to gold. Monty Python convinced my dad that not everyone from Great Britain was out to get him. (What they want from him, I'm not entirely sure.)

      What I hate most about theatre people is that they give eccentric people a bad name. You aren't eccentric because you make a scene in a restaurant or wear a hat that makes you look like a squid. That just makes you an imbecile. Eccentric people are a lot more interesting than you, theatre monkeys. Get over it.

       I guess that's why I hate theatre people. Until next time, my dear brethren, I shall leave you with the words of a man greater than myself. That'll do, pig. That'll do.