Dr. Dubstep (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Hate Hipsters)

mu·sic - (noun) an artistic form of auditory communication incorporating instrumental or vocal tones in a structured and continuous manner. (Definition from

http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn?s=music)

     Some people get mad about injustice. Others, inconvenience. My father gets mad about the British. Is it because he thinks we live in 13th century Ireland? Maybe. However, it wasn't until recently that I was able to share in his views. Why is this, you might ask? Well, after a little research on some obnoxious claptrap "music" my friends listen to called "dubstep," it appears that the British are to blame for this terrible sin against eardrums worldwide.

     If you're one of those lucky souls out there who lives in the Underground City of the Wormpeople, I'll bring you up to speed on what dubstep is. READ THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK.

     According to Wikipedia, the foremost authority on damn-near everything, "Dubstep is a genre of electronic dance music the originated from South East London." I will allow the reader a few moments to acquire a puke bucket and/or one of those cool memory eraser pens from Men in Black.

Did you ever flashy-thing me?

    You good? Super.

    Call me old-fashioned, but I like music that has...oh what are those things called...INSTRUMENTS. And occasionally, I'm in the mood for LYRICS. What does dubstep have to offer me in these departments? Typical instruments range from the synthesizer to a personal computer! Sometimes there's even something called a "drum machine," which is like a drum because it makes drum noises, but with buttons so you don't actually have to work. What a novel invention, my dear Watson! Why, do they sing words to this incredible music? No? Maybe just a sentence over and over again? Thank the stars above. For a second there, I thought it might be something meaningful.

     So far, there's not much going for dubstep. It appears to be an instrumentless, lyricless horror. So why in the world do hipsters like it? You know, hipsters? Those quirky, judgmental little frown-puppets who buy clothes from thrift stores and then get $1000 headphones? The infamous spawn of Wes Anderson normally like out-of-tune Kleenex box guitar set to lyrics about spirographs. This dubstep business is wordless and fine-tuned.

    Alas, fair reader, the hipsters are a fickle race. However, remember the most important rule in all of hipsterdom:

1. If it's stupid, hipsters love it. And will go to the ends of the earth to defend it. Until it becomes popular.

    Dubstep is insufferable. It's like listening to an obese man sit on hummingbirds while he's getting a back rub from Gilbert Gottfried. Entertaining enough, but after a while, you get so darn sick of it, you have to place your ear just centimeters from the garbage disposal in order to keep from having nightmares. Don't believe me? See for yourself: It sounds like someone's stomach. There's a reason this stuff is "underground." I think it's safe to assume that it's stupid, and therefore, hipsters like it.

    Why am I so irked by hipsters? That is a fair question. It is because I am surrounded by them. They are some of my dearest friends. These are good people; intelligent, some may say. However, they have been misguided by the false notion that everything mainstream is terrible. And they have a right to feel that way. I hate The Partridge Family just as much as the next guy. But, my friends, if you are reading this, please understand how stupid it is to arbitrarily like something just because it's obscure, okay? And if you're going to like something dumb just because it's obscure, don't you dare call it ingenious and then berate me on how narrow-minded I am when I don't like it. I'm not narrow-minded. I just don't want to waste 5-minutes of my hard-earned time listening to some straight-up clown growl into a microphone and play "music" into his MacBook Air. That's precisely why I hide in the bathroom at fine arts assemblies. To avoid the overpraised and undertalented.

     So, go ahead, hipsters. Jump up and down to your synth music in your parent's basement, chugging down PBR and puffing away at your American Spirits. The rest of us will be gentlemen and scholars, opening our ears only to those talented enough to play an instrument.