Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)

Written by a monkey hitting random keys on a typewriter given a  finite amount of time.

          It began in a manner synonymous of all of my other cinematic misadventures. Dad asked if I wanted to see a movie with the rest of the family (today's misfortune was Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides). I say, "Well, I didn't hear good things about that one." This is and always will be a mortal mistake which results in inevitable combat. In my family, this means that everyone else is armed with (figurative) swords forged in the Pits of Hell by Lucifer's anthropomorphic Beard of Flame, whilst I swat at them with the November 2007 issue of Cat Fancy. "You can't trust movie critics," they say, "If they're so great, then why don't they make their own movies? When was the last time you heard of a 'Leonard Maltin Film'?" Well, that's the difference between a critic and a director. A critic is a person who is supposed to be good at watching movies, and a director is a person who is supposed to be good at making movies. But that's beside the point. I resigned sooner than usual, hoping I would snark the pain away while watching this excuse for a summer blockbuster.
       This movie was practically destined for failure, at least in the quality department. The POTC franchise has proven to be box office dynamite, but it's no secret that quality control has slipped in all the sequels. The original was enjoyable, but the rest are simply expensive, overproduced marketing ploys for the audience to be sucked into what I call Disney's Swirling Torrent of Capitalism. Long story short, it's a malicious plot to accumulate enough profit from movies, television, Disneyland, merchandise, nuclear weaponry, etc., to thaw Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen head on the surface of the sun so it can be shipped back to Earth to land in the Mojave Desert, spread a supervirus via Colorado River, and eventually command the collective will of humankind. But enough of that. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides was destined for failure because of the departure of two of the most intriguing characters in the franchise.
         That's right. Pirates has become a sinking ship because of the departure of Pintel and Ragetti, better known as the skinny guy with the glass eye and the fat guy who says "Ello, poppet." Their presence was not only greatly missed: it was sorely needed. Any attempt at comic relief in the already unsubstantial On Stranger Tides falls flatter than joke about dead puppies rotting in a volcano. I knew that I wasn't going to watch incredible actors perform with witty dialogue and an interesting plot (or any discernible plot, for that matter), so what I really needed was to watch a lanky man with rotting teeth chase his eyeball around in the brig while his troll friend growled in an incomprehensible British accent. But no. I didn't get that. The closest I got to that in the fourth installment of the Pirates series was watching the Spanish traipse about here and there in their goofy, stereotypical garb. And there was only 2 minutes or so of that. Oh, also Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom aren't in this movie. I didn't really notice since they're technically considered props in those movies anyway.
        In Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, there are more subplots than even it's overlong 137 minute running-time can handle. For those who are only interested in the A-story, the Spanish and the British are in a land version of the Space Race to find the Fountain of Youth, knowing that Jack Sparrow once had the map in his possession. Sparrow is later shanghaied by Blackbeard and his daughter Angelica, who are also interested in finding the Fountain. Sounds cool, right? Wrong. The whole plot bogged down by trite dialogue and meticulously choreographed swordplay. This works in the sense that you're so impossibly uninterested that you don't give a flying toaster what they do with the story, thus the plot can become either inconsistent or completely nonsensical. This is most effective when the screenwriter ignores this fact entirely and goes about business as usual, but whoever wrote the script for POTC: OST was either a megalomaniac or a sadist, because the dialogue reflects this terrible person's desperate need to bring method to their madness. For example, *SPOILERALERTSPOILERALERT* Jack Sparrow figures out that Angelica is Blackbeard's daughter, which is why she is first mate on the Queen Anne's Revenge. But then Angelica tells Jack that she really isn't Blackbeard's daughter, and the audience sniffs out a savory little twist in the story; something that says "Wow. Maybe somebody wanted to think this script through." But then Angelica tells Jack that she really is Blackbeard's daughter and there's a pathetic attempt at banter based on "You lied to me about lying to someone else? INCEPTION. That is really good filler for one of the sequences in this film! I wonder if anyone is going to remember that they paid $10 a ticket to come here...".
       When it's not being entirely ridiculous, On Stranger Tides is painfully predictable. The first act (and the beginning of the second) could easily be turned into a drinking game (for those 21 and older. Unless you're in Canada. Sorry, but I have to have all my legal bases covered.). Every time a tracker shot of a mysterious character's back is revealed to be someone you recognize wearing a different costume, take a shot. If a mysterious figure turns out to be a woman wearing a moustache, take a shot. Every time a rack shot is used and the item of focus is later used for either a gag or a voodoo ritual, take a shot. If that item happens to be a pastry that Sparrow eats as he escapes from a room, take a shot. After about 15 minutes, you will not be able to feel your own face, much less tie your shoes. Honestly, Disney, when I can predict a film down to the shot, your Swirling Torrent of Capitalism has gone counterclockwise. To add insult to injury, the film ends with the line "It's a pirate's life for me." Why not just end Scarface with the line "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta."? This is a movie, friend. It doesn't end like a 13-year-old girl's Facebook status. In fact, the only good line in the entire movie was when the Spanish guy shoots a patriotic Brit Indiana Jones style and then says, "Make note of that man's courage." LIKE A BOSS.
       The acting didn't induce as much retching as the writing did, but it still left much to be desired. Johnny Depp, who reprises his role as Jack Sparrow, doesn't even pretend to have any interest in acting at some point around the 60-minute mark. Penelope Cruz, playing Jack's old flame and Blackbeard's swashbuckling daughter Angelica, is basically there to look cute and speak in a Spanish accent. This is to be expected, as Kiera Knightley was basically there to look cute and speak in a British accent (although, Knightley did a much better job acting than Cruz did). A few more familiar (and uninteresting) faces were to be found, such as Barbossa and Gibbs. I say uninteresting because who goes to a Pirates movie dying to know what happened to Gibbs? Barbossa was a good character, but he's not the same adventurous, bandit-like pirate he was in past movies as he now works for the British crown. Why did they do that? One of the only interesting characters and they make him work for the most boring country on Earth. Don't argue with me. England has been scientifically proven to be incredibly boring. Ever had a scone? It's a cookie that got attacked by a vampire. Case and point.
        Blackbeard (Ian McShane) (yeah, I've never heard of him either) does a pretty good job given the script he has to work with, but I can't help but feel that he seems exhausted in certain parts of the film. Much like watching Norm from Cheers try and run laps. He's not like this through the whole movie, but there are many moments where he looks like he could use a good couch and a sleeve of Oreos. There are a couple of new characters, who are about as dimensional as a cardboard cut-out of Flo the Progressive Saleswoman. A young missionary aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge introduces himself by pointing his Bible at Blackbeard and going off on a salvation rant a la The Crucible. He later falls in love with a mermaid that he named "Serena" as if she was some sort of a dog that could just have tags slapped on it. I find it quite ironic that it's perfectly natural for a Christian man to fall in love with a mermaid, but if Barbossa and Gibbs started holding hands, it would've been abnormal. I mean, it would've been a little weird because it's out of left field, but they should have given us any reason to find Gibbs compelling at that point. He was getting way too much screen time for what he is--NOTHING. But back to the Charlie Church/Little Mermaid romance. It's much ado about nothing, really. I don't know why they bothered with this romantic subplot when they're already dealing with the overly-complicated Angelica/Jack romance. That relationship is all over the place. They were trying too hard and it just didn't work.
       So, if you have an IQ equal to that of Death Valley rainfall or you want to shave a few centuries off of purgatory, I highly recommend Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, which I give 2 out of 5 horribly misplaced subplots.