5. Juno (2007)
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| This is the one where Michael Cera is an awkward boy trying to impress a pretty girl. |
This indie favorite slides into the fifth spot of most over-rated movies I've ever seen because of all the buzz about its wit and "reality". Allow me to rant about both simultaneously. This movie was devised by the not-so-lovely Diablo Cody, a so-called "feminist" *shudder* *twitch* *cry for the former generations that risked everything for women's rights just to have a former stripper award themselves a spot in the same bracket*. That aside, the writing, while unique, just doesn't flow naturally. Wit is one thing, but when EVERYONE in your movie has a quippy remark to EVERYTHING, it's really enough and I'm not impressed. I can't take two hours of people talking like that. It's enough to convince me that all inhabitants midwestern suburban towns are only allowed to speak to each other if it sounds like something I would hear off of a bumper sticker on the back of a shaky '90s Honda. Ask yourselves, people: What kind of convenience store clerk would say, "Your eggo is preggo"? If your best friend in high school told you she was pregnant, would you say, "Really? Honest to blog?" I would have to punch myself if such things passed my lips. Another thing that bothers me about this movie is the anachronisms. How can one's friends say such things as "honest to blog" and then you turn around (while in labor, mind you) and scream at the top of your lungs "THUNDERCATS ARE GOOOOO!" No. Thundercats were go in 1985, about 5 or so years before you were born. They aren't go 22 years later. And if you saw a rerun of it or something when you were 6, why would you reference it when you are about to have your child? If I were Juno's father, I wouldn't drive her to the hospital, I would go upstairs and say, "Thundercats aren't go, honey. You're too freaking annoying to reproduce and we will have to deprogram the child to forget everything that it may have heard you say in the womb so that the world will never have to suffer such annoyances again." And I would NOT say that via hamburger phone, either. Sorry, Juno. It started with a chair, and it ended with my loathing of indie flicks until the end of time.
Lesson I learned from Juno: Don't get pregnant. It may result in nausea and excessive punk rock references.
*Note: Juno was #54 in Entertainment Weekly's Top 100 Characters of the Past 20 Years. The Bride (Beatrix Kiddo) from Kill Bill was #99. On an unrelated topic, Americans are suspected of using only two of their brain cells over the past 20 years. (Don't argue with this until Justin Bieber is taken off the radio.)
4. Drag Me to Hell (2009)
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| Livestock was never so terrifying. |
This horror flick directed by Sam Raimi slowly crawls its way into number four because of the world's ability to ignore how much it really sucks. I know the word "suck" is tossed around a lot these days, but it's movies like this that make it possible for me to use. What really frosts my cookies about the good hype that surrounded this movie was that the premist was really interesting, while the film was laughable. But don't misunderstand my meaning in using the word "laughable". I understand the cartoonish, slap-stick Raimi fashion of filmmaking. I didn't watch this to get scared, really (although a few jolts of terror here and there would've been nice). I watched it to, well, watch a good movie. That, my friends, I did not get. First of all, I hate every protagonist they put in there, particularly the main character. I cried with joy every time she got barfed on, thrown around, hit, *SPOILER ALERT! READ NO FURTHER IF YOU ACTUALLY CARE!* and, finally, dragged into the fiery bowels of the underworld. That's how much I hated her. What bothers me most is that one of the things in the movie that is supposed to have the audience sympathize with poor Christine is that--oh me, oh my--she used to be fat. Is that your only endearing quality? You were overweight? Other than that, she's pretty much your generic horror voodoo doll. Her boyfriend was one of the more forgettable characters I've seen in my lifetime. Was he...a bumbling idiot? I can't remember, but I think that's right. Okay, so we've flipped through the lousy protagonists. Now we move on to the antagonist: a gypsy that tries to get a loan! No, I'm not lying! A gypsy (with a cool gypsy name, Sylvia Ganush) was denied a loan by Christine, our loveable leading lady. How does she cope with such a thing? She curses a button! This sends Christine on a one-way trip to Hades...but not before she barfs on her. Real mature, Sylvia. Real mature. Leave the fat kid alone, mmkay? BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE! Quite possibly my favorite part of the whole movie, Christine gets called a bitch. By a goat. A demon goat. Oh, sweet Georgia Brown! Everyone run for the hills! A goat just called someone a bitch! Now, in all honesty, this movie wouldn't have bothered me so much if its lousiness wasn't so largely ignored.
Lesson I learned from Drag Me to Hell: Only deny loans to gypsies with zippers, because those are harder to curse. And if they somehow find a way to curse it, acquire a goat. Even if it calls you crude names.
3. Knocked Up (2007)
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| Being pudgy does NOT automatically qualify you as funny. |
It's ridiculous! It's raunchy! It's...sexist...*crickets*. I didn't have to watch much of this risque dude-oriented romcom to, as Llewellyn Sinclair would say, send the bile to the tip of my throat. "Oh, it's okay to get a chick pregnant. She IS drunk, afterall. Women are stupid like that, so it's no big deal. I can also disrespect her and treat her like a dog (he mentions wanting to do that in the film) because it doesn't matter if I'm a loser because I'm a man and I like to speak in run-on sentences." See how vile it is? It's not even grammatically correct. Sickness! I won't be a total downer, though, because this movie did have some funny stuff. If this movie could tone down the sexism from a 9.5 to maybe a 6 (hey, nothing's perfect) then it would be okay. But since it couldn't, I wish that the rest of the world could've turned down the anticipation and hype. Then I would've been fine.
Lesson I learned from Knocked Up: Don't get pregnant. It may result in nausea, sexist comments from male peers, and (excessive punk rock references? wha--?).
2. Paranormal Activity (2007) (Geez! How did I live through 2007? What an overrated year!)
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| This ghost OBVIOUSLY works for the picture frame industry. |
Okay, let's run back over to the horror genre. Paranormal Activity is unlike other horror movies, being made in that irritating Blair Witch Project fashion that, yet again, sends the bile to the tip of my throat. The shaky cinematography is enough to make me have a seizure of triceratops-esque proportions. That didn't make sense. Bear with me. All of the issues start with (surprise) the protagonists. Katie is a woman who is being haunted by a stalker ghost that has a penchant for ruining their pictures. While this is all well and good, I have an issue with her constant whining. She lives with her boyfriend, Micah, who, though an imbecile, makes an honest effort to help Katie deal with her poltergeist. That being said, when his efforts fail to appease her, Katie tries to whine her way out of it. I think half of the dialogue in that whole movie is "MICAAAHHH". Spelled just like that, too. Anyway, whatever this demon-ghost-whatchamacallit is, I wanted it to eat Katie. *SPOILER ALERT* This demon did not accomplish its mission, therefore, I am disappointed in it. Instead, it somehow possessed Katie to kill Micah. And, in the alternate ending (the one that I like the most) Katie kills Micah and then herself. I like this ending the most because it rids the world of two irritating characters with little personality. Sadly, the less irritating of these characters perished and there is rumored to be a Paranormal Activity 2 in the works. I will not be seeing it unless a gypsy curses a button that condemns me to do so.
Another funny little thing about this movie...IT WASN'T SCARY. I am not afraid of the Scrapbook Monster that smashes my photo frames and burns the corners of my old childhood memories. I am more afraid of Richard Simmons. I heard that this movie was terrifying if you watch it "under the right conditions". So do I have to wear a special sweater and spin around 3 times in a fuscia-colored room for this to be scary? If that's the case, then it doesn't belong in the horror genre.
Lesson I learned from Paranormal Activity: If being haunted by ghosts, save all pictures on a memory card and yell at your immature boyfriend who, despite his low IQ, is trying to help.
1. Avatar (2009)
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| LOOK AT ME, NERDS! BOW DOWN TO MY HANDSOME FACE! |
Finally, possibly my most controversial pick for my overrated movie list, is James Cameron's Avatar. Don't get me wrong! When I first saw this movie in theaters, I thought it lived up to every bit of the hype. The visual effects are, without a doubt, fantastic. That being said, a lot of the movie is lackluster in comparison. The acting and the writing are mediocre at best. I thought that if I could be impressed with ANY actors in this movie, it would be Sigourney Weaver. But, alas, her portrayal of a cigarette-huffing scientist did not win me over. In fact, there was an issue with many of the characters in this movie. There were two character types, really: 1) the badasses and 2) the earth-lovers. Sometimes there was a combination between the two. One of the fans' favorite characters, Trudy Chacon (chick in the helicopter), was particularly one-dimensional. When she was flying some of the other characters through the famed "Floating Mountains of Pandora", she decided to speak the inevitible "You should see the look on your faces." She's the worst tour guide I've ever witnessed. Don't question me because even you Na'vi maniacs have to admit that, at best, her character was just the worst tour guide ever. Sadly, I also hated the main character, Jake Sully. He wasn't a very strong character (emotionally) because he seemed to be easily swayed by what people tell him. To me, he seemed to be the world's oldest third grader. Here's his step-by-step emotional metamorphosis:
1) "My brother's dead, now I have to go on his stupid spaceship adventure."
2) "I'd better listen to this Colonel guy. He reminds me of all the army guys I met in the marines." (Army guys don't work in the Marines, loser. I don't even care if you didn't say that.)
3) "I like being a blue cat person who's 7 feet tall." (Okay, I actually agree with this.)
4) "This hot native chick saved me from a space tiger! I'd better follow her and listen to her now."
5) "We're being so mean to the cat people. I want to make them and Sigourney Weaver happy."
Aside from the obvious tragedy that he has suffered through (losing his brother, losing the ability to walk), Jake doesn't have much depth. He's not even the toughest person there! He lost out to Sigourney Weaver and the horrible tour guide! I hardly believe that it would be possible for him to train that giant red dragon thing that the Na'vi are so impressed by (don't make me look up what it's called). The writing is also something that I take issue with. In order to make the characters sound tougher (something we so often crave, right?), the s-word is used quite often. "Pandora will eat you whole and s!@# you out." "I didn't sign up for this s!@#!" Yeah! I signed up for the other s!@#! Where do I sign up for that s!@# that isn't so greedy? While Avatar was entertaining, it was hardly Cameron's best directing, Weaver's best acting, or anyone's best writing. At best, Avatar is Dancing with Wolves gone postal. Sorry, Avatar, but you are NOT worth all this hype.
Lesson I learned from Avatar: When it comes to signing up for s!@#, make sure you listen to the blue cat people and not the sassy tour guide.
I hope you enjoyed my list of my Honest to Blog Mover Overrated movies of the 2000s! Expect more to come! :)
